GOAL!

June 23, 2006

It has been confirmed that my fears of these past few days were just the spawn of my paranoia and instinctive distrust of authority. I am free for the next week, and my days as a squire have been terminated with no problems. I give thanks to my liege lords. You have risen a notch in my book.

This is not to say, however, that this day has gone without a hitch. The Witch of the Books has chosen, once again, to show me the ugly face underneath the pleasant facade. Her reactions/behavior towards me contradict the wonderful image she seems to have conjured for one of my friends. I have, however, conferred with my other fellow Servants of the High People, and I have confirmed that the Witch really is wicked. Could it be that she has bewitched my friend? Or does my friend simply have a powerful charm of amulet that renders the wicked Witch helpless as a puppy. That question, sadly, seems to have no answer immediately at hand.

I will leave tonight, a squire on his pony. When I return, it will be as a true Servant. The question now is, will I be content being a Servant? That is yet to be determined.

So far so good…

Things are going well, as of this point. It looks like there’s nothing to hamper the end of my days as a squire. I just submitted my clearance form and service record for this month. I guess my fears of last night were just brought about by my paranoia… We shall see.

The day has just begun, as the old saying goes…

Doubts, fears, and the end of days

June 22, 2006

This is hopefully the second to the last day of my Squirehood. I say hopefully because things could still go wrong. Lords and ladies sending requests specifically for me, and other things that might make my Vassal recall the authorization.

It’s been building up inside me, over these past few days. The problem with this Squirehood is that aside from my duties as a squire, I’m also performing the tasks that would be assigned to me once I become a FULL Servant of the High People. Yeah, I’m one hell of an overworked and underpaid guy.

I’ve worked my ass off to finish my Squire duties early, with what time they could give me for it. I’m also WAY WAY over the required number of hours for this Squirehood. I did it all because I need some time to gather the requirements I need for my employment as a full Servant. I asked my Vassal if I could push the date of my regular employment by a week, but that does not seem to be possible. Next week is the only way to go for me. Technically, I should be free to go, right? Why do I feel like things are suddenly going to turn sour?

I’m a bit scared, really. One Lord sent an email regarding a discussion set for next week. In that email, he specifically mentioned me…

I wonder how I would react if management sees fit to unapprove the early termination of my Squirehood. After all the trouble I went through, I feel like I really should be free to go. And besides, my duties as an Squire are over. If they are to extend my so called “internship period” for a week, I would not be doing the job of an Squire, but that of a Servant. Another week of being overworked and underpaid, with no time to gather the requirements I need for turning regular.

I imagined the situation today, over and over. How my Vassal would tell me that I couldn’t take off next week, in a perfectly conversational and pleasant tone, a bright smile on my manager’s face. I imagine myself, shaking with outrage, asking in that calm, steady voice, whether or not the decision is final. My Vassal nods in agreement, still with that pleasant smile, teeth gleaming under the florescent glow of the barracks torches.

In the space between a breath, in the time between a blink of an eye, I make my own decision. I will quit, right there and then. If that’s the way this Fiefdom would treat me, then I don’t want to be a part of it. This is not the vision of the perfect Fiefdom that the recruiters seem to construct in the various fairs. I surrender all the office equipment, turn in my access card, and leave the office for good. To hell with their dreaded blacklist, I don’t care if they put me in there. I will not work in a Fiefdom that would treat me so, while pretending to emphasize flexibility and promote the best working environment. I feel no regret in walking out….

If only I had the guts to do it in when the time comes… If only I could afford to do it when the time comes… We’ll see what happens tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day of reckoning. Tomorrow is the end of days. Let’s just see if the days will end for good.

I don’t know jack…

I don’t know why I’m doing this. I don’t know why this is happening to me. I leap over hurdles, I break through walls, and yet they still keep on coming…